For you, Because of you, My dear daughter.

You made me nervous. You made me uncomfortable. You even made me afraid of losing my freedom. No wonder I had mixed feelings about you. But the 1st time I saw you at the doctor’s office, I realise you were magic. A tiny little heart. Beating so rapidly. The sound of your heartbeat raised my heart rate. You were real. That is when it sank into me that I was a father. Your father. The very moment I saw your tiny heart beating, all my huge vexatious feelings about having you flew out of the window. Through a tiny window in the doctor’s office.

Your mother was excited yet nervous. Everything she did, she did it for you, because of you. Including the late-night ice creams and chocolates. We knew that when you are out eventually, you will be a sweet tooth just like your mom, unlike me. That did not bother me one bit, because you made her happy every day. You were everything that she ever wanted in her life, for me too.

The amount of shopping, planning, eating. Oh.. you don’t want to know. Your mom drove me nuts. But it made her happy. She kept blaming it on you so that I will do everything she asked me to do without complaining. I did it anyway. For you. Because of you. Every day, whatever we did or spoke it was only about you.

There came a day when we were discussing your name after knowing that you are a beautiful girl. I hoped that your mother will agree with me, on the name I wanted to give you. I wanted to name you after Lord Siva, who I know presented you to us. Thankfully after many weeks of discussions, your mom agreed with me, and we decided to name you Sivavarthini. After the goddess of Aiyarappan, Dharma Samvardhini, at the Sri Aiyarappan temple at Thiruvaiyaru, Tamil Nadu. The mother goddess is believed to pursue her devotees to follow the path of Aram. Alike the mother goddess, we knew that you will be a person of excellent virtues and someone who will pursue your higher purposes in life.

You had your many firsts. 1st holiday to Singapore, your 1st Ferrari branded baby wrap, your 1st comedy show listening to Kumar the comedian. Your mom said you were moving a lot on this night. Probably laughing at the jokes Kumar made. And don’t you get me started with the food. You had almost everything

Going to the doctor’s office was a joyous occasion for us. Despite the long wait, we always looked forward to it. It was the only time where we got to see you growing inside your mother’s stomach. You were shaping up slowly but beautifully. There was once when we saw you through the doctor’s scan, you were moving a lot, almost dancing. Moving your hands and legs to your mother’s heartbeat. You made me proud every time I saw you. Growing like a champion. I used to sing songs for you at night to make you go to sleep. You used to disturb your mom a lot at night. You must be a night owl just like me.

It has now been just shy of 7 months since you have been living in your mother’s stomach. Your mother becomes babylike every time she sees you. I kept teasing your mother that you will look exactly like me. One day she wanted to see your face closer. In 3D she said, to make sure you looked more like her than me. On the 4th of April 2019, your mother made an appointment to see you in 3D. Your mother and I were super excited to see you and we were early for the appointment. As your mother got ready for the scan, I was holding her hands. We both were staring at the screen to get a glimpse of you. To our disappointment, we could not see you. The water levels in your mother’s stomach were too low for us to see you. To make things worse, the therapist who was doing the scan advised us to immediately see the doctor for further consultation. This worried us a lot. We prayed that you were fine. On the 6th of April 2019, we visited your regular doctor and she was not happy with your condition. She wanted to see you again on the 8th of April 2019 to do further tests.

On the 8th of April 2019, we were the 1st to arrive at the hospital. We were anxious, scared, worried, and nervous. I kept praying for everything to be fine. The doctor arrived an hour later and met us 1st. Your mother was prepared for the scan and I sat next to her holding her hands tight. The doctor started the procedure to scan and see if everything was ok with you. She took longer than usual to see you. As she was trying to look at you, I started to grip your mother’s hand tighter. After a good 3 minutes which felt like an eternity, the doctor finally spoke. She said, “I am sorry. Your baby’s heartbeat has stopped”. The world stood still for me at that moment. I could not believe the doctor’s words. I broke down. Crying while holding your mother’s hand close to my face. Your mother was quiet, in shock. Almost 10 minutes passed while we both were holding hands and crying together, trying to accept that you are no longer there. The next day, on the 9th of April, as your mother was induced to get you out, you gave me the pleasure of delivering you in the waiting room.

You came out, lying still. Looking exactly like me. Grumpy-faced, big rounded eyes, and a rounded nose. I was right after all. You were perfect in every way. Just breathless. That day, you took away a little piece of our lives with you. Something which we will never get back. All we have now with us to remind you are the 7 months of joy you gave us, the little jumpsuits and mittens we bought for you, which I am sure your younger siblings will appreciate soon, and your pictures from the doctor’s scan.

You were laid to rest in your mother’s hometown of Klang. It was the hardest thing for me to do. To go down into your final resting place and to put you to rest. I have dreamed of singing lullabies for you every night while you go to sleep. But I never imagined that the 1st day I laid you to rest will also be the last day I held you. Every time I pass by your final resting place, I imagine you sleeping peacefully.

Today 1 year has passed on, and we still can’t accept that you are not with us. We still cry thinking of you. But we reluctantly accept that you are in a better place, on the lap of Lord Siva. Rest In Power, my baby.

Sivavarthini Gurunathan
Gone too soon on 8.4.2019.

Written on 8.4.2020
Published 20.6.2021